i like math
i always used to hate math in school, i think it’s majorly because of the home environment i grew up in as a kid (sidenote: my mother is a math teacher). which isn’t to say that my life was bad nor my parents, it’s to explain a theory i have about how children are able to manage both education, and their home life.
when there is so much going on at the house, whether that be arguments you watch, drugs being used, or the constant feeling of dread not knowing whether you will have a family similar to your classmates. you cannot learn, there is not enough space in the brain for a child to be able to process new concepts. or maybe im just an idiot…
to me, the only thing that was important was to be able to support my parents, it was the idolization of money and power that coursed through me that made me imagine the most grandious dreams. The idolization could be seen from the exterior as narcissism, but in my personal opinion; it was the only way i could see me able to help.
so math wasn’t cool, science wasn’t cool, nothing was fun in school except for reading which allowed me to live someone elses life, and imagine myself solving the issues faced at home.
as i grew older the idolization only grew more, and i still have it. the only problem is that the method of obtainment for majority of my life came through high-risk stragies that made me appear as a giant on a mountain.
releasing that feeling, that need for always wanting more and more and more, the need to show that i am capable, to show that i am masterful, to show that i am better… It has led me to math. Problem Solving, was actually my biggest addiction, but the problem has always been poverty and control due to the way i grew up. the lack of control, the lack of stable living, the lack of a stable family, that drove me to want more, that drove me to want to be a solutionist.
sitting with math and seeing its beauty has gotten me to see that there are infinite problems that i am able to solve in the field, there are infinite areas to explore, and plenty of opportunity for grandiosity that benefits the world.
i want to help. maybe math is my way of helping. maybe i’ll give up and this will be the last post on this… blog?
maybe it’s the beginning to what i’ve always wanted to do, provide a better world for myself, and the people around me.